Tuesday, October 16, 2007

"My Confinement"

Things I have learned over the last few days while recovering from surgery:

1. No amount of painkillers can make anything that Sandra Lee does on Semi-Ho-made make any sense, sound appealing, or look appetizing. I'm watching her this afternoon, in my semi-drug induced stupor, and wondering who the hell does her set dressing? Is it someone who's doing a community service punishment? Why does her kitchen always match her outfit? She's got on some weird black velvet dirndl-style dress with funky cutouts, sort of like the goth version of Heidi, and the whole kitchen has a bunch of black hangings and decorations...is this some sort of Halloween episode? I'm not sure...maybe the obligatory cocktail will give me a clue. (Although, I must admit a great coveting of the fact that the woman has a different colored Kitchen Aid mixer for each of her shows.)

I saw her for about 5 minutes yesterday, and she and an equally bleached and Botoxxed friend were trying to make some appetizer thing...not sure what. The friend kept reaching up to smooth her hair back and then going back to manhandling food with her bare hands...food that was going directly on a platter to be served. Eeeww! (As my friend Kimma says, "taking that safety and sanitation course just ruined you!" I honestly don't care what you do in the sanctity and privacy of your own home--you can lick the tasting spoon and stick it back in the soup pot for all I care, but please don't let me see you do it, and for the love of Pete, don't do it on national television!!!)

And, can a person hold a knife more awkwardly than Sandra Lee does? I am so waiting for her to lop off a finger. That will make some wonderful You Tube video.

Oh, it's a Moulin Rouge-themed show. Who knew you could plan a whole dinner party around Moulin Rouge? The cocktail is some sort of layered weirdness involving raspberry vodka and Cool Whip. Yes, you read that right. Cool Whip and vodka. Seriously, how did this woman get on television? Does she have pictures of some high-ranked muckety muck at Food Network performing unnatural acts with a goat? A penguin? The piece de resistance? Her "chandalabra," which is a cross between a candelabra and a chandelier...which she has spray painted black, sprinkled with glitter, and draped with cheap Mardi Gras plastic beads. I could so do this show. Just give me a couple o' those Cool Whip Vodka shots, another painkiller or two, and I'm seeeeeet!

2. The movie, Enemy of the State, is frightening in its foreshadowing of the whole wire tapping of any and everybody...and it was filmed in 1998. Very scary.

3. The "Home" episode of The X-Files is just as disturbing now as it was when it first aired. (It's the one with the weird in-bred family that kept the mom under the bed. If you haven't seen it, don't. There's some things you are better off not knowing.)

4. Evidently, Magnum PI is out of syndication rotation, which is highly annoying. Damn WGN, Damn you!

5. The pilot episode of Charlie's Angels has been repackaged as a movie on the Mystery channel, and stars a young Tommy Lee Jones as our hero. And, once again, we realize that Jaclyn Smith has the best hair of any Angel. And, that I still harbor my childhood fantasy of being a glamorous LA private detective.

6. Okay, obviously I'm watching waaaay too much Food TV, but what the hell is up with Paula's Party? Paula seems to have lost her mind when she's in party mode...maybe she's been huffing those Cool Whip cocktails or something, but I much prefer her when she's in her Home Cooking withPaula mode.

7. I think my new favorite crush is The Barefoot Contessa. She's not afraid of full fat and is kinda fluffy herself. Although, she had a few sanitation violations yesterday, I chose to overlook them. And, even though Giada gets flack for her cleavage, I like her, too. She's calm and serene, and is also not afraid of butter. She also holds back on the extraneous hand waving and doesn't make up words...okay, I may have to take back the part about the hand waving. She is kinda waving around, but she's not doing the semaphoring thing that Rachael Ray does.

Back to bon bon eating and Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones...Episode I was not improved by painkiller consumption over the weekend, but I'm willing to give Episode II further consideration. Ewan McGregor as Obi-Wan is a fine and wonderful addition to the afternoon.


J said...

I am so cracking up about the semi-ho rant. I totally agree. Last Thanksgiving Food Network aired Alton Brown's one our special on how to cook a turkey which was full of do's and dont's. Then right after that they ran an episode of Sandra Lee's Semi-Ho how to cook a turkey and she basically did all of Alton's "don'ts". It was almost as if it was the program director's little Thanksgiving day joke.

Also, go to youtube and search for Sandra Lee and carnival food. She had an episode all about carnival food which was the most phallic half hour of television EVER.

Lin said...

I think you must be feeling better to get so worked up about the Semi-Ho. I love to watch her -- it makes me feel so capable in the kitchen. But I must admit, she demystified ganache for me.

Paula is over exposed. She should stick to home cooking. But I do like her Lady and Son's dessert cookbook. Giada makes me nervous because she's so thin. At the last FN Thanksgiving special (where they all try to pretend they are friends), Alton leaved over and said, "Giada, eat something for goodness sake." It was one of his priceless adlibs in the background.

You have to give FN credit for starting a major cable network out of nothing and for making stars of a lot of cooks.

Hope you are feeling better!

Garnigal said...

Our TV is quite often on the Food Network, or as we call it, Food Porn.

I've enver seen Sandra Lee, but what I've heard both hear and elsewhere is frankly terrifying. I get what Food weirdness I need from Iron chef, thanks.