Monday, February 13, 2006

The Breath of Life...or not

Today's class focused on us getting our basic CPR certification. CPR classes have come a long way from that week in high school where we got to forego dressing out during PE to play with "ResuciAnnie," a rather horrific looking practice dummy.

Fast forward a few hundred years and we give you "Clean Chris," the sanitary practice manikin. Chris is also rather horrific looking since he's just a torso in a T-shirt and not an entire dummy like our old pal Annie. Chris is way more high tech than Annie...or he was until I dropped him. After that, it was sort of hard getting his airway to stay open. Hope this doesn't jack up my student activities fee.

I think this CPR thing is going to be a piece of cake, because I actually retained some of my 100-year-old CPR knowledge, including the part about clearing the airway, tilting the head back, etc. Then, the moment of truth arrives, and I realize that I can't kneel and give CPR at the same time. My knees hurt, and I think I'm too damn fat and might possibly crush the person I'm trying to help. Why is it that in my lying mind's eye, I'm still that lithe 16 year-old who could run like the wind (because I hadn't got boobs yet!) and could curl up in the most pretzel-like contortions in the bucket seat of my boyfriend's car while trying to avoid the gear shift and...well, you get the picture. My mind's eye still sees that girl, because I ate her. And she was good with gravy and mashed potatoes. She's still in there somewhere...making me feel old and fat...older and fatter. Oh hell, shut up and pass the damn butter.

Sometimes, it's hard to know if I am amazed more by what I can't do any more, or more amazed by things I can do. Or, maybe I'm both...I'm amazed that I can still do certain things like roller skate but I can't do it without the ever increasing fear that I will fall and break something really, really important, like my head. Ack...that really does make me sound old. I'll stop now before I hit maudlin.

Anyway, I aced the CPR exam, so I'm certified. It would be really helpful if all my potential rescue victims would collapse on tables or nice comfy sofas that won't hurt my aging knees.

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